outermost shell

in the past, or i may say last year, i have absolute zero confidence about myself.i dont felt confident about me doing anything, i always thought my friends or EVERYONE will hate me, i dare not look into my reflection in mirror in public, i felt embarrassed checking myself because i look ugly, i think  too low about myself. why? well, i got a list of why i am being like that. firstly, as i mention in one of my last post, there was a time where i got bullied because of a certain mole in my face. i had a tough time then, it has been 10years since the incident, but being bullied in such a young age caused damage to my soul, ( it sounds a little dramatic but it is true ). i kept thinking that once people look at me, they will spot my mole, and they will think, "that girl has a mole like an indian." or "that girl with mole on a weird part". and that is reason why when im in a crowded place, i will be the girl looking down like a turkey burying it's head in the ground.
just yesterday, my friend asked me this, "where is the you being 'everybody hates me' been??" well that hits me, in a good way. yeah, i change a lot, my confidence boost into a whole new level. i dont often think like that anymore ( not when i meet new people, and i will be thinking if they spot my mole and thinking my mole is weird ). i had suffered an injury of a lifetime , and had been resting at home for 3 whole months, and also missed a lot of school. during that 3 months, i started to think, i mean think THINK,i think real hard about me, about life, about nature, about the people around me, about EVERYTHING. i felt pathetic thinking what i have been through, always thinking for the worst. maybe it is me growing up, or maybe i hate the old me, OR MAYBEEEE because of youtube. i searched 'what boys hate and likes about girls' and watched ton of videos, gathering tons of information. oh! and looking at all my pictures, looking how i 'evolve' from a lost girl to a, as i may say, woman with big dreams. everybody grows, only in a different timing. i also think a lot about last year when i decided to volunteer myself for handling 'Fashion Show' performance with my friend for our school librarians board annual dinner. and also joining 6 performance in the event. i have volunteered being one of the 4 MCs of the night, singing A Thousand Years with my friend, challenge my acting in dramas, both english and chinese, and lastly dancing. i love them all, i love how responsible i am during the whole process of doing all of the performance. i love how dedicated i am to the events. and that make me wanted to change, i wanted to change for the better, i dont want to live pleasing EVERYBODY and constantly feared of my friends hating me. I WANT TO BE MYSELF FOR MYSELF. PEOPLE WHO DONT LIKE MY DOING, MY ACTIONS, WELL, SCREW U! i am still going to be me. no more for people who dont deserve, they take it for granted, they care for only themselves, i am sick of it, in fact, i felt disgusted thinking like that.
i created a shell, i learned to protect myself. my shell will be as strong as ever, it will protect me from all the society problems. i have buried the 'old' me deep inside of me, its getting deeper and deeper but it will not disappear. it will always remain in my heart, its presence remind me of everything happens for a reason, do not take things for granted, and about my past. the core inside of my shell is getting stronger day by day, and i know deep down, i will conquer that fear and be confident and lastly, be an independent, strong, young lady.